virgovenus (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
virgovenus) wrote2020-01-08 07:36 pm
virgovenus) wrote2020-01-08 07:36 pm
i read 5 different ranking articles and all of them were horribly wrong so now i'm making my own
official nhl jerseys of 19-20 season ranked from worst to best. all opinions expressed are my own and completely subjective yet also simultaneously objectively correct. mostly based on home jerseys but away/alt/etc jerseys are taken into account if they are extremely notable. also don't think too hard about player choice for images because i just stole all of these from one of the incorrect articles i read.
31. chicago blackhawks
aside from being generally boring and looking like every other red/white/black team in the nhl these jerseys are just breathtakingly racist. i don't like looking at them. the shoulder patches are kind of cool but knowing chicago they're probably also offensive.. i know the general hockey world doesnt give a fuck about not being bigoted but there's just nothing going for these
30. columbus blue jackets
weirdly patriotic in ways i don't quite understand and don't care to try to, like a highscool ap us history teacher. i kinda like the line situation they have coming off the arms but if i squint it looks tracksuity, like atheleisure that's being marketed at teenage boys in tandem with army recruiters giving slightly overly earnest presentations to all my senior year classes. also, everytime i see "cbj" i still say "cock ball jorture" to myself.
29. st. louis blues
somehow the worst team colours in the league despite them all being relatively inoffensive on their own. actually no, this is the worst possible shade of blue.. it looks like it was colour matched to spiderman's suit from a particularly angsty comic reboot. the music note symbol is also bad, which sucks, as almost all music notation looks badass as hell naturally. it's kind of hard to make a hockey appropriate symbol that matches with "the blues" though.. not dead last just because i can't think of a better option.
28. los angeles kings
just an absolute snoozefest. how can you be the only team in the league with a true black and white colour scheme and be this unsexy?? also, the old jerseys sucked but at least they were PURPLE. i think a extremely telling moment that illustrates how boring the logo is was one of the players being able to sketch it from memory. if a hockey player can draw it in 30 seconds, you gotta get rid of that shit asap. just in general looks like it was designed on picmonkey online and then their premium trial finished and now they have to pay for every additional detail so they were like yeah i guess it's finished like this.
27. winnipeg jets
i genuinely believe the jets are just an elaborate advertisement scheme for air canada. i like the idea of navy blue/light blue/white and the red accents are nice but the grey helps no one, the lighter blue is the little sibling to st louis in terms of ugly shades, and the off white parts are just there with no explanation. the circle that traps the corporate airplane is also a literal target on the players.
26. new york rangers
it's american. it's vaguely reminiscent of the great new yawk superhero spiderman (again). it's so fucking boring. everyone loves it for reasons that escape me.
25. dallas stars
i love green so i take personal offence to dallas sullying it like this.. the lace up collar is good but the horizontal stripes are generic and the logo is god awful and i'll file a copyright claim on behalf of all the hot wings chains that the stars probably ripped off for this. points for being thematically accurate in that if i saw the logo with no prior knowledge i would be able to say "yeah that's... that's texas alright."
24. washington capitals
the caps have a combination of the jets' corporate gloom and cock ball jorture's propaganda xtreme flavour. they somehow pull it off much more tastefully though so they get something either than dead last. i actually really love the eagle patch but can't embrace it wholeheartedly as that seems implicitly pro imperialist. the overall layout of the jersey/shorts/socks isn't bad either to be fair: a combination of basic elements but in a way that other teams don't use them, plus this is probably my favourite shade of red out of all the nhl, but the capitals logo with the hockey stick is just.. bad. the sansserif lowercase with white borders makes it look like sports drink packaging.
23. nashville predators
i like the yellow! i do i really do.. its warm enough that you can get away with calling it gold if you want to but not so warm that it garners comparison to all the orange teams of the nhl. and that's... about it. the colour blocking on the bottom of the jerseys/socks makes me feel like i'm looking at a zoomed out and under rendered version of one of the black/yellow teams, and the navy shorts out of nowhere just look like a mistake. the logo is also uninspired, but not offensive. it's this high because from i enjoy seeing it from far away when i can't make out the detailing.
22. montreal canadiens
i tried SO hard not to be biased so i don't want to see any accusations of unfairness in the comments. i love a good laceup collar, and they managed to appropriate the american colours without looking american (though the overall layout is pretty similar to the caps). there's nothing inherently offensive with the logo, if you consider boringness not illegal. the blue of the shorts is horrible and i associate it with comic sans and playdough. that's.. about it. i know original 6 teams can't really change their design without fear of manifesting don cherry in their changing room to lecture them on the sanctity of the good ole game, but who gives a fuck we forcibly retired that animatronic statue of a pundit!! be free! live easy! change your jersey design for the first time in a literal century!
21. new jersey devils
their colour scheme is sexy and at least they know that. also, though you may have clicked read more on this post with the belief that this was going to be a list of objective truths, they are this high because they for whatever reason do the most LGBT and pride initiatives and their jersey is vastly improved by a little rainbow action. otherwise i have nothing to say either than to repeat what i twote while high a couple days ago: their logo looks like it belongs to a chain of oil change garages. like mr lube or something like that. the n literally looks like a wrench, which aoife pointed out to me a couple of days ago and i can't unsee.
20. florida panthers
i'm giving them the dubious honour of being the best of the american themed colour schemes mostly because they manage to be not american by employing what is potentially the ugliest shade you can truthfully call "gold". shield style logos are kind of a cop out and imo their old logo (visible in the crowd in the picture) was WAY nicer but like apparently they got feedback that the panther was too angry looking or something. i think the furrybait panther is miles better than nashville though, and that has to count for something. the arm detailing is okay, if unremarkable. i just think FLORIDA deserves something with a little bit more bang you know?
19. anaheim ducks
actually one of my favourite colour schemes in the league. it's a shame that they chose what is essentially a stylized foot for their logo. is it a D? is it a stain? no, it's a foot. that's really all i have to say. also their away jerseys suck major ass.
18. new york islanders
i want to love this one i really do. orange blue but very different from edmonton, lace up and accent colour collar instead of white/black for once!! the sleeves combined with the jersey make them look like transformers but in a complimentary way!! i actually like the circle here because there's enough elements that it is necessary for drawing attention to the logo, and the fact that its a circle outline instead of a solid block of colour places it miles ahead of the other ones. THAT BEING SAID, the random circle that says cbw is just another, less funny cock ball torture joke in progress, and the logo was absolutely stolen off of a magnet in a duty free souvenir shop at the rainbow bridge us/canada border.
17. arizona coyotes
things are finally getting interesting. points for them for managing to have a non red centric (MAROON IS DIFFERENT), non blue centric, non american centric, non dallas stars colour scheme, but what really makes them stand out it the detailing. the straight laced collar is soo good, it breaks up the top of the jersey without introducing the nostalgia that the typical lace up brings with it, which would look weird with their overall look. and the SLEEVES. god they are really nothing special but i'm so desperate for something that isnt horizontal stripe or two at the forearm that i'll take it. their logo is functionally nashville's but their kachina uniforms are literally so dope and their official 3rd/alt jersey so i'll make do. the pawprint combined with the logo can only be interpreted as furrybait which i take to mean that the arizona coyotes are uniquely progressive.
16. vegas golden knights
i am willing to reward efforts at new colour palettes even if it means incorporating mustard into your uniform. at least it's like.. a dijon shade instead of french's yellow mustard. points for taste ehe. i love the shoulder patches, i love the fact that they are the vegas golden knights, no 'las', and they manage to somehow make me think of medieval knight armour so i guess it's like.. thematically on track. imma be honest they are this high solely for the solid gold goalie pads flower wore at the all star game . god i love flower. also their alt uniforms are like khaki and camo which is HILARIOUS
15. pittsburgh penguins
i actually despise the penguin on their logo but i do love a good triangle. and the sleeves deserve recognition for originality. and the bumblebee socks which are like that for no reason i can understand. this is what a mostly black uniform should look like. rated this high because of sidney crosby sexy ass. rated this low for logo looking like a traffic sign that you learn about in forbidden driver's ed.
14. boston bruins
see this is how you use yellow, working in tandem with the gold of their longstanding logo. everything is kind of standard but i don't hate it. above the pens for not having a personified logo, but in general letter logos don't have a lot of variety so just barely above. also their logo somehow is perfectly appropriate for the way they've been a dominating force for ages in that it definitely seems like a symbol you'd attribute to one of the secret organizations that run the world without our knowledge. an original six team so i doubt they'll change it anytime soon and i'm OK with that. not bad but not particularly good. more teams should have shoulder epaulet style colouring. also they get credit for making the jersey fit both brad marchand (5'9) and zdeno chara (6'9).
13. carolina hurricanes
nothing particularly special but i like it way more than all the other black/red teams so. points for logo looking like a beyblade. but mostly the bottom stripe section is apparently the hurricane warning sign which is like, clearly epic enough to warrant high placing.
12. ottawa senators
so many teams are red. so many are gold. so many are black. so many are white. and yet when the sens were like why not... all 4 at the same time? they did something revolutionary. i like their mock tshirt sleeve design.. and they're one of the only teams with decent away jerseys. i love the "o" patch which is a callback to retro jerseys (which were actually buttugly and are greatly improved by being shrunken down and hidden on top of player shoulders). also it's kind of funny having a white man be the mascot for once. points for reverse racism!
11. detroit redwings
oh you're just a bunch of little candycane boys arent you. santa claus looking mfs. candystripers in training. swiss army pocket knife lookin asses. pseudo canadians. one cross away from a team of sexy nurses when they wear their away jerseys (which i actually prefer). they are this high for their logo, which whips ass, TO ME. it has actual relation to detroit's history, and i'm pretty sure they are the only team with actual feathers on their logo, despite the prevalance of things that can fly in the nhl. ranking on this list is adjusted to account for them being an original six team so they can't change their logo willy nilly (aha was that a william nylander reference? maybe.) also i've made my peace with the red because i think they're actually the only red/white team in the league. i would like to point out that the redwing's wing is actually white, but i am not suggesting they become the whitewings because that just sounds like what you call a republican with a lisp.
10. toronto maple leafs
yeah this one is definitely a little bit biased but COME ON.. they're the boys in blue that's who they are!!!!!!!!!! in my correct opinion they are the only original six team not hampered by the not-official-design-ban.. leaves are cool, and THIS is a non-offensive shade of blue. like the redwings, they bypass a lot of similarly coloured teams in the league by simple process of not mucking up the colour scheme with unnecessary black accents. the nhl equivalent of tumblr blogs that have been active since 2012 and now can't change their url because the brand recognition they have isn't worth sacrificing for the chance to use the url "pee". i wish our mascot was a tree instead of a polar bear though.
9. tampa bay lightning
ah yes. the other blue and white twin.. i've been trying to come up with a joke about tampa and toronto using "the bang twins" format but it hasn't come to me yet feel free to take a shot at it in the comments. in all ways this is the exact same uniform but it's not pro canada propaganda. also the lighning bolts on the shorts are cool, and the logo makes you think of a superhero in a good way. no spiderman shit, maybe like, the incredibles or something.
8. vancouver canucks
dark blue and dark green is sooo sexy of vancouver. god had to smite them down by giving them the least sexy nickname as possible, 'the nucks'. this is what a letter logo should look like, and i'm surprisingly into the vancouver lettering on the jersey fronts. i do think that the design was done in parternship with local indigenous leaders and artists but i don't have source for it (despite the mess that is chicago there IS precedence for some measure of respect and sensitivity in terms of nhl design; the arizona kachina jersey was designed in the early 90s and was a cooperative effort that worked to acknowledge the connection of the area to indigenous people instead of appropriate). they also have literally the best retro jersey everrrrrr i wish they would wear it more often
7. calgary flames
ooooh yeah babey. colours are sexy and thematically appropriate, their logo is my name, the black actually works way better for them than every other red team, there's fire, AND they still abide by the albertan law that requires everything to be related to oil. also like.. being a FLAME is defintely way doper than being an oiler. they have the straight lace but you can barely see it because it's black, but also i don't think they should make it white so it's just there. i would wear flames' merch because what's more metal than a c on fire, but then people might think i'm a flames fan and i dont want those kinds of aspersions cast on my character.
6. buffalo sabres
automatic top ten spot for having SWORDS in their logo. beats the ones below it for being vaguely piratey for no reason except the vibes. this is how you should use navy. notice how the colours work with it instead of just acting like it's lesser black. wish they had more shoulder action but their logo is busy enough that a minimalist design works in their favour instead of against.
5. edmonton oilers
you've seen blue/orange jerseys. now consider: orange/blue jerseys. it shouldn't be this much better but it IS. the logo works really well despite all the ways it shouldn't. the blue pooling under the lettering tricks the eye into not realizing how Wild West the font is, but it still is Wild West because like.. edmonton is the wild west. the droplet at the top is easy to mistake for something else in a way i hoenstly prefer. i usually interpret it as the logo being kind of a rotated crescent moon instead of a circle with a drop cut out. so i can still enjoy it without having to face the ramifications of Big Oil Money. we're already established i love some colour on the shoulder, and skinny horizontal stripes > thick ones. also i usually hate when they bring in an accent colour for a single element but the black stripes save it from looking like the paint in my little brothers' bedroom growing up.
4. san jose sharks
TEAL! TEAL! NOW we're talking. it's crazy how they managed to beat nearly the entire league in terms of aesthetics through simply opting for a shade of blue that was neither navy or spiderman blue or american flag blue. in terms of colour i wish they didnt choose weird orange brown as that accent stripe on the sleeves but i'm not sure what i would want more-- actually i do know. i think they should change the stick and stripe to purple. think about it. they have a very similar logo to pens in terms of triangle and weirdly aggressive animal engaged in the sport of hockey, but the triangle works way better with the shape of the shark, and i'm sure a shark is more likely to bite a hockey stick in two than a penguin is to lace up and skate, but hey, i'm no zoologist, what do i know.
3. philadelphia flyers
leaving aside how singularly cool their black ver jerseys are, you absolutely cannot go wrong with halloween colours. i also love the white panels stretching from collar to sleeve and the faux belt. amazing how you can break up a jersey without reverting to slapping stripes on every available surface. that being said they have my favourite logo in the league. it's a letter jersey but it isnt. it has WINGS, like abstractly, it by no means clarifies what the hell a 'flyer' is, and the orange circle is a cute reminder that we live in a state of constant surveillance. shoutout to philadelphia for committing to the design by doing their best to acquire every ginger in the league.
2. minnesota wild
you know the only thing cooler than flames? yeah, that's right. the WILD. noun (singular) is exceedingly rare in north american professional sports so the impact is duly noted. if they were, like, the wildS, i would be like "Oh great, frat boys" but as is, sports commentators can say any old thing like "the predators are making the trek north to face the wild" and i'm like OH shit was that a prophecy? i think that legally counts as a prophecy. and the team capitalizes on that swag with the singular great artistic endeavour of the nhl with their cool asf landscape bear head logo. like there are teams with cool names but logos that fail to step up to it (see the blues). their green is pretty much my favourite shade and i applaud them managing to bring red in too without making it christmassy. i also applaud their bold choice with accents; a) them being like You can use yellow. ONCE. b) the khaki. there. i said it. minny said You want khaki? YOU GET FUCKING KHAKI!! and i'm just swept up in the enthusiasm and have never once in my life wanted khaki before but now i'm like OH YEAH BRING ON THE KHAKI BOYSS. and they do not fail to deliver.
1. colorado avalanche
we all know their colours rock. we all know it. and despite the way that the grey does nothing for the maroon and blue, there's something satisfyingly suitable about a team of himbos having jersey details that cinch their waists and accentuate the line of their arms, like body contouring for hockey boys. now put that all aside and let's dig into the real focal point of their jerseys, the true triumph: the logo. now think: what is the coolest thing colorado has. you may be thinking, 'mountains?' WRONG. the coolest thing the state of colorado has is weed. unfortunately, they couldn't make their logo weed themed. not because of anti weedhead sentiment; the nhl is the only professional sports league in north america that does not list marijuana as a banned substance. but because they didnt want to go with anything planty themed as they know that minny already had that department covered. so avalanche it is. theyve got some cool kind of wavey snow thing going that doesnt seem physically realistic, but it makes the circle thing relevant instead of just needlessly ovular. also, by letting it finish the lettering of the A, this actually means their logo does not have an a, but rather an arrow pointing upwards, towards the players' faces. i just KNOW gabriel landeskog factored this in and tugged on the strings of fate so he could get onto the avs and make sure the focus stayed on his face.
31. chicago blackhawks
aside from being generally boring and looking like every other red/white/black team in the nhl these jerseys are just breathtakingly racist. i don't like looking at them. the shoulder patches are kind of cool but knowing chicago they're probably also offensive.. i know the general hockey world doesnt give a fuck about not being bigoted but there's just nothing going for these
30. columbus blue jackets
weirdly patriotic in ways i don't quite understand and don't care to try to, like a highscool ap us history teacher. i kinda like the line situation they have coming off the arms but if i squint it looks tracksuity, like atheleisure that's being marketed at teenage boys in tandem with army recruiters giving slightly overly earnest presentations to all my senior year classes. also, everytime i see "cbj" i still say "cock ball jorture" to myself.
29. st. louis blues
somehow the worst team colours in the league despite them all being relatively inoffensive on their own. actually no, this is the worst possible shade of blue.. it looks like it was colour matched to spiderman's suit from a particularly angsty comic reboot. the music note symbol is also bad, which sucks, as almost all music notation looks badass as hell naturally. it's kind of hard to make a hockey appropriate symbol that matches with "the blues" though.. not dead last just because i can't think of a better option.
28. los angeles kings
just an absolute snoozefest. how can you be the only team in the league with a true black and white colour scheme and be this unsexy?? also, the old jerseys sucked but at least they were PURPLE. i think a extremely telling moment that illustrates how boring the logo is was one of the players being able to sketch it from memory. if a hockey player can draw it in 30 seconds, you gotta get rid of that shit asap. just in general looks like it was designed on picmonkey online and then their premium trial finished and now they have to pay for every additional detail so they were like yeah i guess it's finished like this.
27. winnipeg jets
i genuinely believe the jets are just an elaborate advertisement scheme for air canada. i like the idea of navy blue/light blue/white and the red accents are nice but the grey helps no one, the lighter blue is the little sibling to st louis in terms of ugly shades, and the off white parts are just there with no explanation. the circle that traps the corporate airplane is also a literal target on the players.
26. new york rangers
it's american. it's vaguely reminiscent of the great new yawk superhero spiderman (again). it's so fucking boring. everyone loves it for reasons that escape me.
25. dallas stars
i love green so i take personal offence to dallas sullying it like this.. the lace up collar is good but the horizontal stripes are generic and the logo is god awful and i'll file a copyright claim on behalf of all the hot wings chains that the stars probably ripped off for this. points for being thematically accurate in that if i saw the logo with no prior knowledge i would be able to say "yeah that's... that's texas alright."
24. washington capitals
the caps have a combination of the jets' corporate gloom and cock ball jorture's propaganda xtreme flavour. they somehow pull it off much more tastefully though so they get something either than dead last. i actually really love the eagle patch but can't embrace it wholeheartedly as that seems implicitly pro imperialist. the overall layout of the jersey/shorts/socks isn't bad either to be fair: a combination of basic elements but in a way that other teams don't use them, plus this is probably my favourite shade of red out of all the nhl, but the capitals logo with the hockey stick is just.. bad. the sansserif lowercase with white borders makes it look like sports drink packaging.
23. nashville predators
i like the yellow! i do i really do.. its warm enough that you can get away with calling it gold if you want to but not so warm that it garners comparison to all the orange teams of the nhl. and that's... about it. the colour blocking on the bottom of the jerseys/socks makes me feel like i'm looking at a zoomed out and under rendered version of one of the black/yellow teams, and the navy shorts out of nowhere just look like a mistake. the logo is also uninspired, but not offensive. it's this high because from i enjoy seeing it from far away when i can't make out the detailing.
22. montreal canadiens
i tried SO hard not to be biased so i don't want to see any accusations of unfairness in the comments. i love a good laceup collar, and they managed to appropriate the american colours without looking american (though the overall layout is pretty similar to the caps). there's nothing inherently offensive with the logo, if you consider boringness not illegal. the blue of the shorts is horrible and i associate it with comic sans and playdough. that's.. about it. i know original 6 teams can't really change their design without fear of manifesting don cherry in their changing room to lecture them on the sanctity of the good ole game, but who gives a fuck we forcibly retired that animatronic statue of a pundit!! be free! live easy! change your jersey design for the first time in a literal century!
21. new jersey devils
their colour scheme is sexy and at least they know that. also, though you may have clicked read more on this post with the belief that this was going to be a list of objective truths, they are this high because they for whatever reason do the most LGBT and pride initiatives and their jersey is vastly improved by a little rainbow action. otherwise i have nothing to say either than to repeat what i twote while high a couple days ago: their logo looks like it belongs to a chain of oil change garages. like mr lube or something like that. the n literally looks like a wrench, which aoife pointed out to me a couple of days ago and i can't unsee.
20. florida panthers
i'm giving them the dubious honour of being the best of the american themed colour schemes mostly because they manage to be not american by employing what is potentially the ugliest shade you can truthfully call "gold". shield style logos are kind of a cop out and imo their old logo (visible in the crowd in the picture) was WAY nicer but like apparently they got feedback that the panther was too angry looking or something. i think the furrybait panther is miles better than nashville though, and that has to count for something. the arm detailing is okay, if unremarkable. i just think FLORIDA deserves something with a little bit more bang you know?
19. anaheim ducks
actually one of my favourite colour schemes in the league. it's a shame that they chose what is essentially a stylized foot for their logo. is it a D? is it a stain? no, it's a foot. that's really all i have to say. also their away jerseys suck major ass.
18. new york islanders
i want to love this one i really do. orange blue but very different from edmonton, lace up and accent colour collar instead of white/black for once!! the sleeves combined with the jersey make them look like transformers but in a complimentary way!! i actually like the circle here because there's enough elements that it is necessary for drawing attention to the logo, and the fact that its a circle outline instead of a solid block of colour places it miles ahead of the other ones. THAT BEING SAID, the random circle that says cbw is just another, less funny cock ball torture joke in progress, and the logo was absolutely stolen off of a magnet in a duty free souvenir shop at the rainbow bridge us/canada border.
17. arizona coyotes
things are finally getting interesting. points for them for managing to have a non red centric (MAROON IS DIFFERENT), non blue centric, non american centric, non dallas stars colour scheme, but what really makes them stand out it the detailing. the straight laced collar is soo good, it breaks up the top of the jersey without introducing the nostalgia that the typical lace up brings with it, which would look weird with their overall look. and the SLEEVES. god they are really nothing special but i'm so desperate for something that isnt horizontal stripe or two at the forearm that i'll take it. their logo is functionally nashville's but their kachina uniforms are literally so dope and their official 3rd/alt jersey so i'll make do. the pawprint combined with the logo can only be interpreted as furrybait which i take to mean that the arizona coyotes are uniquely progressive.
16. vegas golden knights
i am willing to reward efforts at new colour palettes even if it means incorporating mustard into your uniform. at least it's like.. a dijon shade instead of french's yellow mustard. points for taste ehe. i love the shoulder patches, i love the fact that they are the vegas golden knights, no 'las', and they manage to somehow make me think of medieval knight armour so i guess it's like.. thematically on track. imma be honest they are this high solely for the solid gold goalie pads flower wore at the all star game . god i love flower. also their alt uniforms are like khaki and camo which is HILARIOUS
15. pittsburgh penguins
i actually despise the penguin on their logo but i do love a good triangle. and the sleeves deserve recognition for originality. and the bumblebee socks which are like that for no reason i can understand. this is what a mostly black uniform should look like. rated this high because of sidney crosby sexy ass. rated this low for logo looking like a traffic sign that you learn about in forbidden driver's ed.
14. boston bruins
see this is how you use yellow, working in tandem with the gold of their longstanding logo. everything is kind of standard but i don't hate it. above the pens for not having a personified logo, but in general letter logos don't have a lot of variety so just barely above. also their logo somehow is perfectly appropriate for the way they've been a dominating force for ages in that it definitely seems like a symbol you'd attribute to one of the secret organizations that run the world without our knowledge. an original six team so i doubt they'll change it anytime soon and i'm OK with that. not bad but not particularly good. more teams should have shoulder epaulet style colouring. also they get credit for making the jersey fit both brad marchand (5'9) and zdeno chara (6'9).
13. carolina hurricanes
nothing particularly special but i like it way more than all the other black/red teams so. points for logo looking like a beyblade. but mostly the bottom stripe section is apparently the hurricane warning sign which is like, clearly epic enough to warrant high placing.
12. ottawa senators
so many teams are red. so many are gold. so many are black. so many are white. and yet when the sens were like why not... all 4 at the same time? they did something revolutionary. i like their mock tshirt sleeve design.. and they're one of the only teams with decent away jerseys. i love the "o" patch which is a callback to retro jerseys (which were actually buttugly and are greatly improved by being shrunken down and hidden on top of player shoulders). also it's kind of funny having a white man be the mascot for once. points for reverse racism!
11. detroit redwings
oh you're just a bunch of little candycane boys arent you. santa claus looking mfs. candystripers in training. swiss army pocket knife lookin asses. pseudo canadians. one cross away from a team of sexy nurses when they wear their away jerseys (which i actually prefer). they are this high for their logo, which whips ass, TO ME. it has actual relation to detroit's history, and i'm pretty sure they are the only team with actual feathers on their logo, despite the prevalance of things that can fly in the nhl. ranking on this list is adjusted to account for them being an original six team so they can't change their logo willy nilly (aha was that a william nylander reference? maybe.) also i've made my peace with the red because i think they're actually the only red/white team in the league. i would like to point out that the redwing's wing is actually white, but i am not suggesting they become the whitewings because that just sounds like what you call a republican with a lisp.
10. toronto maple leafs
yeah this one is definitely a little bit biased but COME ON.. they're the boys in blue that's who they are!!!!!!!!!! in my correct opinion they are the only original six team not hampered by the not-official-design-ban.. leaves are cool, and THIS is a non-offensive shade of blue. like the redwings, they bypass a lot of similarly coloured teams in the league by simple process of not mucking up the colour scheme with unnecessary black accents. the nhl equivalent of tumblr blogs that have been active since 2012 and now can't change their url because the brand recognition they have isn't worth sacrificing for the chance to use the url "pee". i wish our mascot was a tree instead of a polar bear though.
9. tampa bay lightning
ah yes. the other blue and white twin.. i've been trying to come up with a joke about tampa and toronto using "the bang twins" format but it hasn't come to me yet feel free to take a shot at it in the comments. in all ways this is the exact same uniform but it's not pro canada propaganda. also the lighning bolts on the shorts are cool, and the logo makes you think of a superhero in a good way. no spiderman shit, maybe like, the incredibles or something.
8. vancouver canucks
dark blue and dark green is sooo sexy of vancouver. god had to smite them down by giving them the least sexy nickname as possible, 'the nucks'. this is what a letter logo should look like, and i'm surprisingly into the vancouver lettering on the jersey fronts. i do think that the design was done in parternship with local indigenous leaders and artists but i don't have source for it (despite the mess that is chicago there IS precedence for some measure of respect and sensitivity in terms of nhl design; the arizona kachina jersey was designed in the early 90s and was a cooperative effort that worked to acknowledge the connection of the area to indigenous people instead of appropriate). they also have literally the best retro jersey everrrrrr i wish they would wear it more often
7. calgary flames
ooooh yeah babey. colours are sexy and thematically appropriate, their logo is my name, the black actually works way better for them than every other red team, there's fire, AND they still abide by the albertan law that requires everything to be related to oil. also like.. being a FLAME is defintely way doper than being an oiler. they have the straight lace but you can barely see it because it's black, but also i don't think they should make it white so it's just there. i would wear flames' merch because what's more metal than a c on fire, but then people might think i'm a flames fan and i dont want those kinds of aspersions cast on my character.
6. buffalo sabres
automatic top ten spot for having SWORDS in their logo. beats the ones below it for being vaguely piratey for no reason except the vibes. this is how you should use navy. notice how the colours work with it instead of just acting like it's lesser black. wish they had more shoulder action but their logo is busy enough that a minimalist design works in their favour instead of against.
5. edmonton oilers
you've seen blue/orange jerseys. now consider: orange/blue jerseys. it shouldn't be this much better but it IS. the logo works really well despite all the ways it shouldn't. the blue pooling under the lettering tricks the eye into not realizing how Wild West the font is, but it still is Wild West because like.. edmonton is the wild west. the droplet at the top is easy to mistake for something else in a way i hoenstly prefer. i usually interpret it as the logo being kind of a rotated crescent moon instead of a circle with a drop cut out. so i can still enjoy it without having to face the ramifications of Big Oil Money. we're already established i love some colour on the shoulder, and skinny horizontal stripes > thick ones. also i usually hate when they bring in an accent colour for a single element but the black stripes save it from looking like the paint in my little brothers' bedroom growing up.
4. san jose sharks
TEAL! TEAL! NOW we're talking. it's crazy how they managed to beat nearly the entire league in terms of aesthetics through simply opting for a shade of blue that was neither navy or spiderman blue or american flag blue. in terms of colour i wish they didnt choose weird orange brown as that accent stripe on the sleeves but i'm not sure what i would want more-- actually i do know. i think they should change the stick and stripe to purple. think about it. they have a very similar logo to pens in terms of triangle and weirdly aggressive animal engaged in the sport of hockey, but the triangle works way better with the shape of the shark, and i'm sure a shark is more likely to bite a hockey stick in two than a penguin is to lace up and skate, but hey, i'm no zoologist, what do i know.
3. philadelphia flyers
leaving aside how singularly cool their black ver jerseys are, you absolutely cannot go wrong with halloween colours. i also love the white panels stretching from collar to sleeve and the faux belt. amazing how you can break up a jersey without reverting to slapping stripes on every available surface. that being said they have my favourite logo in the league. it's a letter jersey but it isnt. it has WINGS, like abstractly, it by no means clarifies what the hell a 'flyer' is, and the orange circle is a cute reminder that we live in a state of constant surveillance. shoutout to philadelphia for committing to the design by doing their best to acquire every ginger in the league.
2. minnesota wild
you know the only thing cooler than flames? yeah, that's right. the WILD. noun (singular) is exceedingly rare in north american professional sports so the impact is duly noted. if they were, like, the wildS, i would be like "Oh great, frat boys" but as is, sports commentators can say any old thing like "the predators are making the trek north to face the wild" and i'm like OH shit was that a prophecy? i think that legally counts as a prophecy. and the team capitalizes on that swag with the singular great artistic endeavour of the nhl with their cool asf landscape bear head logo. like there are teams with cool names but logos that fail to step up to it (see the blues). their green is pretty much my favourite shade and i applaud them managing to bring red in too without making it christmassy. i also applaud their bold choice with accents; a) them being like You can use yellow. ONCE. b) the khaki. there. i said it. minny said You want khaki? YOU GET FUCKING KHAKI!! and i'm just swept up in the enthusiasm and have never once in my life wanted khaki before but now i'm like OH YEAH BRING ON THE KHAKI BOYSS. and they do not fail to deliver.
1. colorado avalanche
we all know their colours rock. we all know it. and despite the way that the grey does nothing for the maroon and blue, there's something satisfyingly suitable about a team of himbos having jersey details that cinch their waists and accentuate the line of their arms, like body contouring for hockey boys. now put that all aside and let's dig into the real focal point of their jerseys, the true triumph: the logo. now think: what is the coolest thing colorado has. you may be thinking, 'mountains?' WRONG. the coolest thing the state of colorado has is weed. unfortunately, they couldn't make their logo weed themed. not because of anti weedhead sentiment; the nhl is the only professional sports league in north america that does not list marijuana as a banned substance. but because they didnt want to go with anything planty themed as they know that minny already had that department covered. so avalanche it is. theyve got some cool kind of wavey snow thing going that doesnt seem physically realistic, but it makes the circle thing relevant instead of just needlessly ovular. also, by letting it finish the lettering of the A, this actually means their logo does not have an a, but rather an arrow pointing upwards, towards the players' faces. i just KNOW gabriel landeskog factored this in and tugged on the strings of fate so he could get onto the avs and make sure the focus stayed on his face.
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dallas stars honestly deserve to rank higher simply for being green, which i respect amongst the endless red teams. the only other green team is minnesota, so they stand out!! the logo is........... fine.
new jersey devils, yes their logo Does look like a wrench, but i think it's a pretty clever design and i like it. minus points for being yet another red/black/white team, but like they're DEVILS what else where they supposed to do.
new york islanders the superior blue and orange imo.
pittsburgh penguins the superior black and gold IMO !!! actually, jk, there's truly not a significant enough difference between them and boston, TO ME, but allow me to indulge in little a haterism as a treat. i think the pens retro blue jerseys are SO fun tho, solely for the fact that they are POWDER BLUE, but they changed to black and gold to match with the other pittsburgh sports teams and boston got so heated about them stealing their colors so what can i do but respect it?
carolina hurricanes honestly the most boring of the red/black teams? and i say this as a canes liker... their whalers jerseys are also pretty fugly but at least they were green, which would have stood out. i don't even have issues with the overall branding i just think they lose so many points in my eyes for switching to a boring color scheme.
detroit red wings the logo does 100% whip ass and i respect their claim to being one of the few worthy Red teams, but damn i just wish they had a different accent color... the red and white is like just a little too plain, but i know that will not change and i understand and accept this.
colorado avalanche ICB THIS WAS YOUR #1 PICK!>!>>!>!>>! the logo is pretty good ngl but the color scheme is so muted that i feel like the whole look is not accessing its fullest, slappiest potential.